Our roles in life change many times during our lifetimes.
I have been a child, a friend, a cousin, niece, and a granddaughter. I have been an owner/rescuer of dogs, cats, birds, and one rabbit, one possum. And that was just in the early years.
A teenager, a school leaver, a traveller, an employee and an employer. Then a girlfriend, a wife, a mother and a divorcee, (do we even still use that word)?
I could fill a page. We all could fill a page with our roles in life.
One of my most treasured relationships, besides being a mother to my boys, is the one with my own mum.
We’ve always had a close relationship through the many phases we have walked together.
You have always been my mother, but, sometimes the roles of even a mother can differ in the various phases through our life journey.
Once upon a time when I was a little girl, you were my mother,
Then I grew up, you we’re still my mother but you also became my friend.
That was the perfect period for that time.
Why? Because you could be my mum when I needed you, you could be my friend when I needed a friend, but the one thing, you were always there for me in whatever capacity I needed you to be.
When I had my own kids, you became my mother again, also my adviser.
You were promoted and took on a new role in life and you became a grandmother.
Duties that seemed to be included were babysitter and cleaner.
Whatever role in life I needed you to become you became.
As the years went by, health issues affected you, as you grew older, I grew up. Our roles reversed.
You started to need me, I became your driver, carer when you needed me to be, and I became your ears and your voice.
Oddly I became your mother. Stop bossing me you would often say, my response “it’s only because I care”
Do those words ring true from long ago, another place in time.
When you would scold me when I was young, you would tell me it was only because you cared. I knew this.
See this is where your mothering comes back to haunt you. My learned behaviors.
When I look at you, I see the way you look at me and I know no one in this world loves me more. No one else in this world has my back like you do. No one in this world would fight for me like you would.
I thank you for looking at me the way you do. For loving me the way you do. Thank you for always being there.
Thank you for teaching me to be me and not worry what other people think. Thank you for teaching me to be the strong woman I am. Thank you for teaching me to be independent but it still okay to depend on somebody else.
Then came COVID
When it all started initially I was too scared to see you, too scared I would pass something on to you. I sneezed one day and went into panic and sat out the front of your house chatting to you through the front door. I cried for hours that day. Your words to me were “I’ve got to go somehow and if it means I can cuddle you one more time it’s worth it”. You were always one to put someone or something else before yourself. You always put everything over and above yourself.
We did find our way back to spending time with each other with your medical appointments. It was our excuse. I still needed to be your ears, your voice, your reasoner and your personal assistant.
It was just another role in my life that I have loved because it meant spending time with you.
We still keep our distance, we don’t hug we don’t kiss and we both miss that physical touch. But our hearts will never be empty, they are too full, our hearts know what we mean to each other, our hearts remember what it is for us to cuddle each other, kiss, hold your hand or as I hold your arm gently to guide you to the closest seat.
Whilst I helped you through this phase, you helped me back. I asked you many times to come and live with me. “No I want to be with my friends”, “but mum you are not allowed to see your friends”.
This went on, you always had an excuse until, and finally, you wrote me a letter. Explaining that whilst you appreciate and love me for wanting you to live with me, you don’t want to lose your independence. You don’t want to lose your own flat where all your friends are.
Apparently you don’t want me to cook for you either. Your words “you do all the cooking and you don’t let me cook”. Here I was thinking I was doing something good for you, and then I remembered we have totally different taste in food.
What you did for me though, you became my mother again. You started ringing me “can I come and stay at your place for the weekend”, I have an appointment. That was just an excuse, you knew I needed you and you were there for me again.
As we both continue to grow in this life, I find myself adopting or growing into some of your quirky little habits. That’s fabulous because as a little girl I always said, I wanted to grow up to be just like you! Does that mean I’ve finally grown up?
There is a lot of disharmony due to the Covid virus, there are definitely some things that are good that are coming out of it. Such as our planet resetting itself renewing it self and if we give it a chance it will be a much more beautiful world to live in. But it also gave my mother the opportunity to be my mother again. Thank you
So I’ll leave you with this from me and from all children, no matter how old we are, we always need our mums.
In the tradition of Mother’s Day, I always write my mum a poem. This year I just wrote what I wanted to say right now, at this moment.
Happy Mother’s Day to one of the most inspirational, kindhearted, funny, sweet women I have ever met. I love you infinity.
Are we falling out of ourselves. Losing what was? Perhaps? Perhaps not!
Please remember this is just a chapter of our current story, the one of survival and growth, from when this story began.
Every day you have a task, that task is to find laughter, joy and happiness in everything you do.
With every new dawn i awake and I think about something great that is going to happen in my day.
With every opening of my eyes, of every morning, I see a sweet little face looking into mine and there is the first of many smiles for my day.
I have talked to so many people, who are struggling with anxiety. You worry about your endurance through COVID, about what will be, worry that you are not doing something right. You along with everyone else. We all have our doubts and insecurities. You are doing it perfectly! You are ALL rocking this thing called life!
You are not broken, you are not a mess, you are not your tears, you are a person who feels deeply, you are feeling what is going on in our slightly fractured world right now. In our global pause you are unbroken, you are flawless!
This is but a moment in our life. Many of you know that you will get through this and make real life changing choices in your lives, some will need a little help to get back on their feet. Let’s be their encouragement and their cushion if they fall.
Remember we are all in this together, whilst all having extremely different experiences. It is something that the whole world is united in. That touches my heart that what we are going through everyone on this planet is going through it in their own way. Some tougher than others.
We need to connect with ourselves firstly, we need to connect with our families.
We need more love, we need more kindness and we need to make everyone feel more visible, like you are really seeing them and hearing them.
Through this reset of our planet, take the time and reset your own family space and your marriages, reset the intimacy and the energy in your home. Re-establish your relationships with your parents and your children and your friends if needed.
Be the laughter that bellows through your world, be an ear when someone needs it, be the one to shares your woes, when you need to share. Share a joke to hear the laughter of someone you love, or just someone who needs some cheer in their life. Be the rainbow that cascades light throughout a storm, shine brightly on the gloomiest day. It may even be a stranger, be their sunshine. Be the dancer when the music plays. Embrace the peace, for right now, during this period of pause we are growing. Bury the unrest and be ready for your next chapter, it is waiting to be written. I cannot wait to read it!
Friday night in isolation, what did you do? I spent it with one of my favourite people in the whole wide world. We sat in the kitchen and ate a bag of deli sea salt chips while drinking a red wine. Displaying my culinary talents, how to make a vegetarian pizza à la Janette. . Ooooh that looks good she ooohs aaahs and drools!!!
Snuggling in for Netflix, another wine and chocolate! Two cheeky chicks were content! Until 9.15pm, I got the urge, not one to do things at regular times, I decided to do my own hair.
Am I hairdresser? No, far from it. However, for one night yes, I can do this!
I donned my Batman cape parted my hair, evenly ? Haha well, I did the best I could and I painted my hair like an artist paints on his canvas. Delicately blending, smoothing and staying within the lines..
Job done, I had a bit left, so what did I do next? I yell “Mum” do you want to go a little bit blonder? Excitedly she’s says “why not!” Do you think I will look beautiful, you always look beautiful.
Unexpected moments during this trying time, some causing anguish, some so beautiful, it is as if the universe is presenting us with a gift.
For these gifts I say Thank you. For the anguish, I say thank you for the lesson and opportunity to grow.
This evening I am feeling grateful for the perfect gift.
My gift is I have my mum who gives me the gift of love and laughter.
The compulsory dinners when my mum comes to stay is Fish And Chips, nachos or something totally unhealthy that she loves. I laugh as she coos afterwards in her broad Scottish accent “och the was bloody beautiful” Do you want a salad with that mum, “no I don’t eat rabbit food”
The joy it brings me to provide her simple pleasures is immeasurable. People often comment, you have a beautiful relationship with your mum, (I always have done) or you are so lucky to have her (yes I am and I am grateful every single day).
I believe coronavirus was introduced because Mothernature was looking to us, gifting us the opportunity to reset our injured, neglected planet. But what if it is also a gift to us, an to opportunity to reset our own lives. Reevaluate what is important to us. Rediscover things we loved and let go of, reconnect with family, friends even our own souls, we have been given the opportunity to find our bliss
My bliss on this Saturday night came from my tiredness, due to the fact my mum had me up at 4.30am paying tribute to the anzacs. (Read my last post) we are still laughing about that.
Making my heart swell, Bo my sweet bundle of frothing love lying next to me, who gazes adoringly often, just to make sure I have not moved. Ella, not usually affectionate, lying with her head on my lap, leaving me unable to move. Loving this moment, a moment, I treasured too much to let it go a second earlier than I had too. The butterfly effect of this, my mum makes me a cup of tea to save disturbing a 4 year old dog, a moment that many would find silly, though, one that I loved, that no words were needed, a cup of tea was delivered, just another gift, another act of love.
Yes I am lucky, yes I am grateful, I have so much to be grateful for!
Not to mention watching Chris Hemsworth in Extraction on Netflix
Sitting here on Wednesday afternoon with a chance to reflect. I have a day where nothing else is planned, except housework (write or housework, my choice is made) so here I am.
The theme for the day writing, journalling, breathing and listening. My dogs sleeping peacefully beside me and there is just silence to keep us company. I hear the rain, gently hitting the roof and the ground. How beautiful the silence, how beautiful the sound of rain.
We are in a time of transformation, we are in a chapter of our life story. Our routines are gone, some of us feel shaky as we keep trying to move forward. We have lost our safety net, the comfort of our cocoon.
Treat it as a little adventure, a path we have never travelled. We are experiencing uncertainty, confusion and fear.
At 57 I am probably stronger physically and mentally than I have been in my whole life. I feel there is nothing I cannot do. I never stop trying. Trying what? To achieve what I have my sights set on. Even when I think I can’t do it, I keep trying to find a way to do it.
Sometimes it feels like the universe is saying no this is not for you, challenge after challenge after challenge, thrown in front of me. Almost at breaking point, I start to question “is this really for me”. And then just one day, it all falls into place and I’m glad I stayed true to myself.
It is never ever too late to try something new.
Starting something new, it may not come as easy when you’re older, and I’m not talking just physically now, I am also talking mentally.
Physically I can no longer run. I accept that and I find other things that challenge me physically, as much, if not more.
But it’s also the power of the mind.
Fear, is a powerful emotion that can hold us back.
Fear stops us doing so much..
I have a project that is so close to my heart, but I never finish it, why? I realised it’s because of fear. Fear that it’s not going to be as good as what I want it to be, fear that other people will not respect or like it as much as I do. Fear of looking stupid, fear of being hurt, fear of not being good enough, fear of the consequences that will come from it whether it’s received or rejected by others. Fear of my own capabilities. Fear of what if!
Fear wow, this emotion is so powerful It has the ability to stop us pursuing what is important to us.
Fear can also be an ally. Why? Because it also comes along, side-by-side with intuition, if it doesn’t feel right then maybe it’s not right.
I’m a believer in listening to your gut, because that is when fear can be your friend, it is a warning bell. Sometimes though our egos shout louder than our intuition. We have to quiet the mind to listen deeper.
Fear is what it is, an emotion, just fear.
You are the only one who can choose, how to use your own fear. From this night on I’m choosing to let go of my fear and chase what is important to me. My passion. Will you join me in chasing yours. I am here to support you!
Set your boundaries, protect yourself and your space. Surround yourself with people who support your mission and walk away from the ones who hold you back.
Being okay if it happens and being okay if it doesn’t happen is a pretty good place to be in!
Sending out love and positive thoughts to you all ❤️❤️❤️